need another drink. this is the easiest way
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
