May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
Randomize
