My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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