my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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