I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
would it be rude to tell a homeless man that he should sell the lebron jersey and brand new nikes he's wearing if he's really that hungry
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Randomize
