And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
