I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
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