Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
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