you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
She made me pour olive oil on her.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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