Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Anyone who has court these next few days keep your head up & smile knowing we broke the County Record with 27 underage consumptions
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
