i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
