$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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