his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
