It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
