Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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