there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
