is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
