member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
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