The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
I want to find him again. His Corona tank top and I were made for each other.
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