i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
