it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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