Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
So how do u get your coat out of the coat room when someone is fucking on it?
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
