Kenny Powers is just a normal guy with exceptional hair
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
