im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
