He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I think that "I fucked your little brother" wasn't the best way to introduce yourself.....
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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