so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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