I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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