i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
His crazy is a thing to be cherished
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
