He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Randomize
