awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
