There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Randomize