You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
