So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Randomize
