just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
