can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
Houston, we have a squirter
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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