I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
