I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Randomize
