So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
Be still, my beating vagina.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
