2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
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