a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I imagine her to be like a 19th century explorer/adventurer with different boys' hearts on her wall like animal heads
Like Teddy Roosevelt
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
