Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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