They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
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