Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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