just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
