'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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