I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
don't judge my taste in strippers
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize