So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
