Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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