is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
