I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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