It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
You are a genius and a whore.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
