I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Randomize
