It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
