she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
