you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We are two peas in an std pod
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
