I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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