You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
be right there i have to get my cape
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
