Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
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